Hopeless, getting through this night
And life is not dying in this fight
I'm begging you to deliver me ooh ooh ooh
Confused why you won't take this pain from me
My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this
Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me
What is the reason for this night
Is hope found in fullness with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
God I pray something good will come from this pain
With you here I know
I don't go alone
I am yours and so
Through the fire I'll go
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
Babies. Dogs. Cute, eh? But you know, as cute as they are, I feel bad for them. I mean, think about being an infant, just learning to crawl. Away you go, off to see your contained world, when “Whoop!” in comes mommy, or daddy, or some pesky adult grasping you by your belly and setting you back down in the location from which you drug yourself so far. If you’re really unlucky, you get placed back in the playpen. Four damned meshed walls trapping you in, separating you from that all enticing living room floor and maybe even your favorite shiny toy.
Or, imagine you’re a dog. Out you go, bounding happily into the world, chasing birds, bugs, and dutifully covering the scents of your foes, when “Yank!” your forgotten collar jerks closed around your neck and you’re stopped dead in your tracks, barely able to breathe. Back you go, inside the house, to pace around in circles until it’s time to go out again.
These poor creatures…allowed for just a moment to see what’s out there, before being swooped up and placed back in containment. Itching to be free, they amuse themselves with what's before them, all the time looking toward the door.
Recalibrating. That's what I termed my objective yesterday. I used the day to pray, fast, get some business type stuff done, and generally recenter myself. It felt good. It was so beautiful. I sat in the park and read and prayed and sat in silence.
I feel recentered. It's nice.
The word "simplicity" has been coming to mind lately. Last night, I met some friends in the park for a picnic. We sat, chatted, ate, watched the sun set. It was a really good time. It was simple. I've been praying for more simplicity in my life. Especially to be appreciative of the goodness of life. Spending time outdoors with good people, seeing a sunset, playing with a friends baby...these are really good things.
Then, today, was my first day as an "intern" for lifelight. I simply delivered posters to multiple churches around town for an up coming missions retreat the organization is putting on. I was ecstatic. Driving around, doing something related to ministry, something minute, and yet I was elated.
God's doing some massaging of my heart. Softening it. I still yearn to be overseas. I was feeling really good and then I saw a post on facebook from a friend that will be back in the US for some time later this summer, and I was slightly envious, because he'll get to go back to the country that he loves. So, it's still hard. I'm still surrendering. I'm not sure I'll ever be done surrendering. Maybe it's just a daily decision to surrender. Maybe (and more likely) even minute by minute.
One thing, I must say, and that is I'm so thankful. I have more peace about my present location, my heart is being softened, and I am less angry. It was a rough go of it for a while. It still is, occasionally. Again, often minute by minute I need reminders that the Lord is good...and he sends his peace. And I am thankful.
Some much needed encouragement from my step dad, in response to my last blog:
The longer you are in your present job, the more trapped you will feel. If a job comes along that you want, go for it! If it pays more, double good.
The secret to success is to match your talents with your goals.
Love,
Jim
PS: I am still searching for my talents!!
My mood lighted greatly upon reading Jim's email. I think I just needed a reminder that I'm not going to be stuck here. One thing that has held me back from applying to other jobs is the fact that I've been at this job and others like it for so long, that I don't know how to do anything else. I've been worried that that would mean I couldn't get in anywhere else. But, I guess...I"m going to take my chances and see what happens...or something.
.
It's currently 9:30 Sunday evening. I've been at work basically since 2:30 on Friday with time off only to go home and sleep Friday and Night. Tomorrow will be used to fast, pray, write, fix up the ol' resume and apply for jobs in youth ministry and a few other fields including editing and personal assitance.
We'll see how it turns out and what turns up. All I know is that I can't stay at this job. I was burned out before I got back, and frankly, that's not fair to the boys.
I really miss being an expat. I mean no disrespect toward my home nation, and I feel like it's kind of taboo to say, but I really enjoy living/being in countries not my own. It's been difficult being back in the way of community, because community among other expats is outstanding. I know being in Korea stressed me out and I was anxious to leave, but I always knew I'd miss the folks surrounding me there. I went from having this incredible support system, especially spiritually at Lifechurch, to virtually nothing. I have family and friend's here in So.Dak and I'm extremely greatful for them. However, I rarely see them. If I get 2 hours of communal spiritual nutrition a week, I'm doing well. Aside from spiritually, there's just this fantastic bond that occurs between expats that I really miss. And, I like things out of the ordinary, mundane, day-to-day existence that's kind of beating me down here.
I don't think I realized how big of an adjustment it was going to be being back. It's honestly been way harder re-adjusting here than it was upon arriving in Korea. I suppose it could have been something like a honeymoon period, though. The last few days, I've kind of forgotten how stressed out and anxious I was there.
I'm trying to be faithful by just hanging out here for the summer. I know God is working stuff out in my heart and in my life...but is it disobedient to start tossing out applications for other jobs. I've been pretty continuously looking at Youth Ministry jobs on the internet. There are a lot of them out there. Most of which pay quite a bit more than my current job that is making me insane. But I find myself hesitant. I've never been a youth pastor. I've worked with youth forever, but always in a supervisory setting where I've had to be more like their mom than a mentor. But I'm worried about getting stuck. For a long time, the only jobs I ever looked for were jobs just like the one I've been at in Sioux Falls since 2003...even though I've been burnt out on direct care for quite some time. I don't know how to do anything else and kind of feel trapped.
So...do I apply for youth ministry jobs to start in the fall? Or do I wait...keep working at Southeastern, hopefully do some stuff with Lifelight, and hope/turst that something comes my way in the fall?
Yeah....round in circles I go.
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
- William Gibson
Here I begin yet another attempt at daily writing in another stage of my life. (You know I will fail at the "daily" thing quite regularly, but saying I'll do it daily and having a public blog will hold me at least slightly accountable) This stage, as you might have guessed, is the waiting stage. Now I know, life is short and I need to make every moment count and not live for the future. I'm working on that. However, it has become apparent to me that for the next.....I don't know, months, years, whatever and however long, I'm just supposed to wait.
The above quote just happened to be on my google page today. It seemed a befitting way in which to begin.
While in Korea, I began a "daily" blog, just to keep myself writing. That's the general idea here. I just need to be writing...at lease something, to keep my mind going and my writing skills somewhere around par.
Most of you full well know (as I hide it quite poorly) that I had no intentions of moving back to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, United States of America...and yet here I am. I find myself working at my old job, (which I remind myself to be thankful for in this piss-poor economy) which is mindless and makes me crazy. Again a fact that I really don't even try to hide. I continually peruse the internet for something bigger and better...and yet, in my heart and spirit, I hear..."Wait."
So, I'm waiting. I'm trying not to go stir crazy in a city of 150,000 after being in one of 20 million, but I'm waiting. I know that God is good and all he does is for goodness sake. I "know" (this knowing has been a bit shaky lately) that I'm "called" to something...ministry of some sort...and we all know where I'm hoping that to be. But if and when that happens, I can't say. Apparently, God's got some stuff to work out in my heart and in my life. So, for the meantime, I'll wait. I'll write. I'll spend time with family and friends. I'll pray. I'll eat. I'll hopefully learn some good stuff while volunteering with Lifelight. (www.lifelight.org) I'll echo the words of a worship song I've been listening to a lot lately, "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. All I have is Yours." And finally, I'll leave you with the only song that I possibly could post on this first WaitAwaitAbide blog:
